The OFFICIAL PC Owner's Competency Test

by Cliff Hauptman

Do you think you should be allowed to own a personal computer? Until now, the only requirement for ownership was to hand over a few hundred bucks. Competence was never a consideration.

There is now a standard of competence for personal computing.

For the first time, the rank of novice and seasoned veteran alike can evaluate his or her proficiency against an impartial, objective norm. Now can be separated the chaff from the grain, the know-nothings from those in the know, the mice from the men, the men from the boys, and the girl from Ipanema.

The Test

1. Which of the following is

bald-faced lie?

a. The problem is in the software.

b. The problem is in the hardware.

c. The problem is with the user.

d. The problem is with the dealer.

2. A disk operating system is:

a. A new chiropractic technique.

b. A place selling pirated software.

c. A hi-fi component.

d. A Frisbee user manual.

3. Lost data is most often caused by:

a. Poltergeists.

b. Ignes fatui

c. Banshees.

d. Haints.

4. True of False: Electronic spreadsheets are robots that change the linen in motels.

5. The difference between a word processor and a food processor is mainly:

a. In the time it takes to clean up.

b. A matter of taste.

c. W vs. f and r vs. o.

d. There is no difference.

6. In which of the following sentences is the term default used properly?

a. Default is in desoftware.

b. Default is in dehardware.

c. Default is with deuser.

d. Default is with dedealer.

7. The name hard disk comes from the fact:

a. That they are harder to pay for than floppies.

b. That they are harder to use as a coaster for a coffee cup than a floppy is.

c. That they are harder to get into those little sleeves than a floppy.

d. That they dent hardwood floors when you drop them.

8. RAM is measured in:

a. Horsepower.

b. First downs.

c. Distance around the curl of a horn.

d. Proof.

9. True or False: When in ROM, do as the ROMANS do.

10. Computers are thought of as being changeable machines because:

a. You don't know what they'll do next.

b. If you get mad enough, you can always change it into a pile of wreckage.

c. They can give you two tens for a twenty.

d. They change people into lunatics.

11. Compatibility refers to:

a. Your ability to get along with your spouse after using your computer.

b. Your spouse's ability to get along with you after you've been using your computer.

c. While using your computer at work, your ability to refrain from using language best employed in private.

d. Your computer's ability to understand commands like Drop dead!

12. Telecommunications software gives you the ability to:

a. Double your phone bill.

b. Triple your phone bill.

c. Quadruple your phone bill.

d. Amass a fantastic collection of free, public domain software you do not need and that is full of viruses.

13. If it takes 2 minutes to address an envelope with a typewriter, a novice PC user should be able to do it successfully by computer in:

a. Three hours.

b. Six days.

c. Two months.

d. It can't be done.

14. When a file is deleted, it actually still exists; it has merely been changed slightly by:

a. Putting Groucho glasses on it so that DOS no longer recognizes it.

b. Sending it to the cleaner's where all its button are removed.

c. Recombinant generic engineering.

d. Forcing it through a pasta machine.

15. A byte is:

a. Worse than a bark.

b. Not as bad as a bark.

c. Two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar.

d. A shave and a haircut.

16. True or False: The term menu driven refers to someone who is addicted to restaurants.

17. The one thing you like most about owning or using a computer is:

a. The sounds it makes.

b. The way if warms your office.

c. Your reflection on the screen.

d. The software start-up graphics.

 

And that's that.

To calculate your score, assign each

a answer 97 points, each

b answer 98 points, each

c answer 99 points and each

d answer the number of points equal to your age.

Each True answer gets one point, and each

False answer, 0 points (naturally).

Add up the points and divide by the number of bytes in your hard disk (or if your system does not have a hard disk, by the number of bytes in RAM).

If your score comes to 31.00769, you have witnessed a miracle and should not be using a computer.

 

Reprinted from WordPerfect Magazine, July '89.